All-McDonalds American

America's sublimely talented and athletic high-school players are selected to play in the annual McDonald's All-Star Game, an all-offense, no-defense spectacle that puts their names on the radar of even casual hoops fans.

At STF, we prefer to celebrate basketball's truly impressive athletic specimens: the corpulent gentlemen who often surprise us with their ability to play at both ends of the floor, though they seldom surprise us with their ability to move from one end of the floor to the other. Transition is the comedy relief provided by All-McDonalds Americans.

While there is no actual All-McDonalds American game played at this time, we hold out hope that the restaurant chain will one day accept our phone calls and address the notion with all due seriousness.

Clearly, the first official All-Mcdonalds American candidate, in the eyes of STF, was former Temple center Anthony Ivory. But Big Ant stands on the shoulders of giants. Figuratively speaking, of course. A literal pyramid of AMA's would collapse inward upon itself, creating an event horizon from which even light could not escape.

Regardless, without the contributions of Charles "The Round Mound of Rebound" Barkley, Bryant "Big Country" Reeves, and Oliver "Greenpeace Tried to Save Me Once" Miller, there could have been no Big Ant. But it's not always the frontcourt that runs rotund. Levance Fields managed to rack up assists and three-point daggers in Pitt's offense while sporting a gut. He, in turn, was preceded in the Big East by UConn's Khalid El-Amin.

This is not to suggest that basketball is on the verge of becoming baseball. These guys are still a rarity in hoops.

Since STF was founded in 2007, we have noticed several AMAs in the collegiate ranks, and readers have brought many more to our attention. Our favorites of the STF era are listed below:

6'10", 290 lb. F Dexter Pittman - Texas Longhorns: When I attended the Greensboro regional in 2009, Pittman laid a backcourt pick on an unaware Minnesota guard that turned the poor guy into a puddle of quivering tapioca. Which Pittman consumed with obvious gusto.

6'8", 310 lb. F Pierre Niles - Memphis Tigers: I can't help but feel that the hoops world has missed a golden opportunity with Pierre. A guy his size with a french name? He's begging for a nickname like "Big Croissant" or "Chocolate Moose".

6'7", 310 lb. F James Eayrs - Milwaukee Panthers: I was watching ESPNU the night Eayrs landed the epic nickname "Big Lumber". The truly astounding thing about the Milwaukee giant? He canned 44 treys last season, for a 33.6% mark.

6'7", 295 lb. F Mike Smith - Arkansas-Little Rock Trojans: Thanks to Kyle Whelliston, we have the finest collection of Mike Smith action shots outside of the UALR sports department. In games last season where Smith managed to play 30+ minutes, he threw down double-doubles and helped the Trojans to beat Pepperdine and Creighton. More often, he played 20 or so and failed to get out of the single digits.

5'10", 190 lb. G Levance Fields - Pitt Panthers: Levance looked like a guy who would work at McDonalds, more than an NBA-ready point guard. Fortunately, Pittsburgh is a city that is tolerant of - downright enamored of - a starting five that can put away some sausage and beer.

6'9", 290 lb. F Keith Gallon - Oklahoma Sooners: As of this writing, Gallon has yet to play an official game for the Sooners. But believe us when we tell you that we can't wait. The man's nickname is "Tiny", fer chrissakes.

STF Editor Eric Angevine celebrated the All-McDonalds American concept on the cover of the 2009-2010 edition of Jayhawk Tip-Off, captioning a photo of bull-necked Kansas guard Sherron Collins with the headline "Still Hungry". The double-entendre made it through the ensuing production process intact, enticing buyers throughout the tri-state area to find out how such a thing could be possible.

Like he's one to talk.